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| I've dated multiple boys in the past who I thought I loved, but really it was more of the need to be loved then actually being in love. For me, my first experience of falling in love happened with my current boyfriend. We started dating when I was seventeen and he was nineteen, we've been going for nearly 10 months. Now, I'm nearly eighteen and he's almost twenty-one. The reason why this is my first time falling in love was because it was effortless. I didn't have to work hard at having him love me like I did for the others who really never cared. He loves me and I love him instead of trying to make him love me. I'm the most comfortable with my life that I've ever been, and I owe it to the boy who made being happy effortless.
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| I have a lot wrong with me. Multiple health problems have held me back in some ways. My flat feet and eye problems make it difficult to do physical activity, especially if you add in my tits. Thanks to being around pot, my asthma is also a contributing factor. But, what is really bothering me right now is my headache. I've had it for a week now and it won't go away, and it's always worst when I'm home. I have it right now, it's all tension I think. I have Trichotillomania. Even today I had the urge to pluck! "I always tell myself that I'll only pull out the ones that need to be." It never ends, I swear. It goes along with my depression, nail biting, and skin picking. I haven't been taking my anti-depressants. I get into moods where I feel like I don't need it, but I know I do. Everything pisses me off, makes me sad, or hurts me.
Crap! I forgot to work out. It sucks that I can't seem to lose weight easily. Being a raw vegan is difficult. Thirty-four days left. I'm never full which, even though I want to be thin, is my weak point.
My boyfriend wants to become a cop which I'm really not... that into. This is selfish, such is human nature, but I don't want to marry someone in law enforcement. Yes, marry. So far, we've been dating nine months with possibly only one misunderstanding that could be considered an argument, which makes be believe marriage could be possible. It's just, I'd rather spend my life with someone doing something in the arts or psychology. But, he's also thinking about becoming an animal cop which I think he'd like... and me of course.
My boyfriend and I took our dogs to the falls. I honestly thought Jude would enjoy it seeing as he has such a positive personality and loves everything, but that wasn't the case. However, my boyfriend's pit/black lab mix loved playing in the water. She even barked at and tried to bite it, but she does that with everything. She's the type of dog who throws her bone around the house and plays with it, yet doesn't eat it. The whole time we were there Jude stood in one spot, looking at me as if I was causing him horrible pain. I wish I had brought my camera with me down there to capture his expression. Yet, I also busted my ass twice on the rocks, so that might not have been such a good idea. I think my boyfriend and I are the only people who buy ice cream for our dogs. Hell, I even make Jude and Maylene, my boyfriend's dog, treats and birthday cake.
This summer is almost over and I haven't really accomplished anything other then spending a night every week at my boyfriend's. I had this monstrous goal of losing thirty pounds before I began college but I forgot my body rejects me when I try to lose weight. The only time I was really thin was when I starved myself, something I didn't really realize I did until a couple months ago. Sometimes, I wish I had that will power again. I think it's funny that I honestly thought I didn't have a problem. I have a horrible view of myself, my mind is constantly full of negative thoughts about myself but I always told myself I wouldn't do anything. I didn't want to hurt my family like my sisters have with their problems. Well, I did have a problem but my family never noticed.
All I want to do right now is paint or draw. I've lost so much of my ability. I also want to watch some anime. Yeah, anime. I'm an seventeen year old nerd. I even have three hundred dollars worth of manga; 30 books to be exact. I can't wait to get my new camera. Basically, I just need a way to get all this out of me. Today, I was so happy. It would have been a perfect chance to begin my personal project if only I had the tools!
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| I'm a bit crazy. Crazy about him, crazy about them. Crazy about my teeth, my skin, my figure. Crazy about my routine.
I'm annoyed with my area. Everything is a fad. God Free, a fad. Shaving your head (especially if you're a girl), a fad. Getting a septum, a fad. Even peace is a fad. Correction, peace isn't just a fad in my area, it's a fad in the United States. Everything has a peace sign on it, every one is about peace. Little girls are getting tattoos that say peace on their wrist, "lovin' that hippy mentality." The peace sign was an anciet symbol against christianity. It's an upside down broken cross used by the Romans against Christians. And hippies? What's up with that? Sure, they have cool clothes and nice hair. Rebels against the man! What did they do for my father when he returned to America after being sent to Vietnam, they called him a baby killer. After putting his life on the line, watching countless friends die, and doing his country's duty, they disrespect him. Sure, peace is fine and dandy but it's all just a fad. I believe in love, I believe in unity, I believe in calm. I do not promote "peace." And, I'm sure, that will tick someone off. It's a touchy subject. Everyone likes the idea of peace; world unity, free love, prosperity. But when it comes to a point where peace is just an empty symbol, something to decorate your shirt, it means nothing.
Turning eighteen in less then a month. Starting college following that. Getting my industrial and my lip tattooed, but my parents don't know about that second part. Finally, getting a car with a seat belt for my dog. Do you know how many animals die during car crashes because they're thrown against the windshield or dash? Look it up. That's not going to happen to my little dude. I'm basically raw vegan right now, but only for fourty days. The "Bible Diet." An attempt to cleanse my body. I'm so sick, all these toxins in my body. Chemicals, hormones, perservatives! No wonder I'm sick every day. Three days down, thirty-seven to go. Skipping my birthday though, I want some cake. It's almost been a year since my grandmother died, "a song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live." It's almost been a year since that night when I lost my worth. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I can still see his face, hear his voice, smell his breath. All in my intoxicated haze. It's almost been a year since we started dating, three months to go. Could it possibly be half a year since I last considered her my friend? I'm not sure. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I almost wish I wasn't turning eighteen until next year, so I could go to the Harry Potter theme park for my birthday.
My bed is covered in salt from my accidental peanut spill. Peanuts, the only thing keeping me full. You know, not eating meat or diary isn't the worst part of this. Not eating chocolate, sugar, or eggs is the worst part of this. It's only eating something cooked once a day that sucks. You never really realize how much you love cooked food until you can only have it for dinner. But, I mean, fruit has it perks. If only it was pomegranate season. And to think, I use to starve myself.
I can never get to sleep on time, I probably should have registered for evening classes. I need to buy my dog a life vest, probably going to bump my camera project on someone else. Hey sis, buy me an old ass camera. Thanks! I'm a bit obsessed with my dog... But I really cannot help it. http://www.prestonthepuggle.com/-- the reason why I got my Jude.
Sometimes, I miss my ex's. Not saying I want to be with them but that I miss them in my life. Keeping them in my life tends to ruin other aspects, so we have drifted apart. But, they use to be so important to me. That person I though about always, who was the most important thing in my life. I wouldn't trade who I have in now for who I had, but it's always sad to lose people close to you. I have the most unique, beautiful, kind soul out there. We are so a like in every way! Even when it comes to our dogs. He takes his to a dog park everyday to see her friends, and we make them treats. But he's also so different from me. And yet, our differences spark our likeness. We have different religious views, meaning I have some and he doesn't, but we both are interested in the other. He would go to church with me any time I asked, and I would go to his shows where everyone is against God if he asked. He is handsome and perfect, but this could only be in my eyes.
This is long, but who cares? No one really reads this. Good night.
The new addition.
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| There comes a certain point during a break-up where you think about all the people who are happy that the relationship is ending. Then you realize the very first on that list is the person you love, followed by the person who loves them.
There comes a certain point in your life when you realize that life is shit. Shit covered in gold.
There comes a certain point in the day when you reflect on everything that has happened. The only things that really stick to you are the bad, you never notice the flutter of happiness.
There comes a certain point when you realize that you have to make a decision. Choosing between the people you are suppose to love and the person you're meant to love.
There comes a certain point where you realize that you are not unique at all. Someone has the same heritage, someone has the same story, someone with the same stream of thoughts. Then you realize that there's always one person who one ups everyone at the very last second.
There comes a certain point when you're sitting on your bed, laptop in front of you, when you should be sleeping. When you should be thinking about your future. When you should be investing and not wasting your money on things that won't last. When you should kiss your dog goodnight and lay down to sleep. And you think to yourself, I won't be able to do this when I'm an adult.
Even though I have two good cameras, I'm going to spend the last of my graduation money on a small film camera and an album. I'll take picture of things I see when I'm happy, places. Only things I'll understand. So I can look back on these when I'm older and remember that I was happy and I still can be, I just have to work harder at it.
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| Being out here is worst then I could have ever imagined. Although it is less then an hour away from my former home, it is so different. It's the southern ghetto. Old run down buildings, everything from fountains to flamingos in people's front lawns, and every single fast food restaurant you could ever imagine. I've gone to about ten places thus far to seek work, and no one is hiring. It seems that there are too many people per businesses. Fuck. Without a job, I cannot get a car. I have to figure things out quick so that I can move out in a year or so.
It's quite lonely out here. I have no clue how to find people my own age. Whenever I go out I only see older women with tires for waists and Hispanic men. I miss going to see my love on a daily basis, lay in his bed, and listen to the kids next door play. I even miss how the baby-mama next door always had different men over. I even miss Benji, the most hideous and annoying dog in the world.
Goodbye old me, hello new. My plan is going into motion, slowly. Going for new hair tomorrow, although I'm entirely too nervous. Spending the night with the one I love, and crashing some girls' party that his band is playing at. Hopefully they have some good food.
My dog is growling in his sleep.
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